I know it has been quite awhile since I have posted here. Valentine's Day has come and gone. We had a nice, quiet, family dinner and yummy cannolis for dessert. My favorite! Daddy and Colby bought me a huge valentine's card and some pretty red and white flowers. All in all, a good day.
However, my mind has been preoccupied by other things lately. I've had this post in mind and haven't known where to start it. But here we go....
Everyon important in my life knows that Mike and I came to be parents through the amazing opportunity of adoption. We have been blessed with the most adorable, outgoing, smart little boy, who I truly feel was meant to be ours from the moment he was born. However, his adoption was not my first experience with adoption. On the contrary, I have 3 cousins who were adopted and even before that, I was introduced to the world of adoption at the young age of 5. I myself was adopted by my dad, Tom. My mom had previously been married and had my two brothers and me. When she married Tom, I was 5 and I am not sure of the whole story but he adopted my brother Keith and me. Our biological father, Armand, decided he would let us be adopted but he wanted to have Chris as his son. So, Chris wasn't able to be adopted. I know that Tom would have adopted all three of us if he could. In that way, I became 1/2 adopted. I never really thought of it much. Tom has always been my dad. And I considered Armand as my brother Chris's dad, nothing else. I have 2 sisters, 2 brothers, a mom, and a dad. Overall a pretty big, crazy, but great family.
It wasn't until I was in high school and college, when the idea of relationships and having boys care about me that I think the idea of Armand not wanting me started to needle its way into my mind. He left me, he didn't want me, so... in my mind who would. It left a lot of self-doubt and a pretty low self-esteem. Through adopting Colby and talking about my experience with the social worker I realize it wasn't me. I don't know why Armand did what he did, but it wasn't something I did. I was a baby when he divorced my mom. I've thought about talking with him but how do you talk to a man you know nothing about and who didn't want a relationship with you? It seemed to hard.
When we lost my grandmother, Mamie, in 2009, Armand showed up at her funeral. I had seen him a few other times, including at my grandfather's funeral in 2006, but there he was, at MY grandmother's funeral. WHY??? I didn't know what to do, but Mike pushed me to go talk to him. So, I did, but with Colby in tow. Having him there made it seem easier somehow. I said hello and introduced him to Colby. Armand looked shocked and yes, somewhat hurt. Maybe he had thought about our relationship over the years and realized he might have made a mistake. But so much has occured since then. You can't take back 30 years worth of hurt in one conversation. We talked for awhile but I realized that I probably would never know the real story behind their breakup and Armand letting us go. I couldn't ask him. I let it go.
Now, last Friday, the day of Colby's surgery, I received a call from my mom. Chris had gone to see his dad and Armand was gone. Yes, the fourth funeral for us in just a couple months. I was shocked and immediately thought of Chris and worried that he would be alright. I told Mike and his first reaction was tears for me. He was worried about me. Why? I hadn't lost someone, Chris did. I had lost Armand 30 years ago....Right? He hadn't been and isn't a part of my life, so what has changed? Or is a part of me gone???
Armand is not my dad, Tom is. And I am so blessed to have him as my dad. We may have our disagreements and not always see eye to eye, but I know he would do anything for me. He chose me as his daughter, and for that I am honored. So, what do I think about Armand, someone who is biologically my "father" being gone??? I just don't know. I hate to say, for fear that others will think I am cruel or unfeeling, that I really feel nothing. I am so sorry for Chris and will always be there to support him. We will be going to the memorial dinner this Wed night, but otherwise, I don't know what to think. I will always be thankful to Armand for giving me my life. However, questions unasked will remain, answers will be left unsaid, and I don't think we will ever know the "true" answer as to why my past was laid out how it was. But in the end, I thank God that he found Tom to be there for my mom, Keith, and me. He was the blessing that showed me the true joy that adoption brings and gave me the faith to proceed with Colby's adoption.
But what do you think???
On another note, this morning we recieved a phone call and Mike's grandfather has also passed away. So now he is with his love of 65 years ago once again. Nana passed away in early December and I truly feel that Mike's Poppy missed her so much he needed to be back with her. We will all miss you!
