My Birthday....and Some Thoughts

Tomorrow is my birthday. It seems like we have had so much to celebrate since Colby came home. Easter, his birthday, family birthdays, Mother's Day, and now my birthday. I'm not sure what we will do tomorrow. I might bring Colby to the park if it is nice out in the morning. Mike has something planned for dinner. Mike's Mom's family will be in town and they want to see Colby so I have to bring him to his parents' house around 4 I think. Other than that, hopefully just a quiet day.

Colby has now been home almost 3 months. I am thrilled to finally have him home. He is thriving and becoming such a big boy. Quite independent, happy, and so outgoing. He truly is a joy to be around. I love seeing him learn new things everyday. He now loves to sit and read books, he wants to inspect everything and have us tell him what things are. He tries to repeat everything we say and do (we really need to watch what we say and do). And he loves to play outside.

So why am I finding things so difficult at times? Why do I find myself sad and frustrated? Isn't motherhood supposed to be wonderful? We celebrated Mother's Day but yet I don't truly feel like a mother. How should I feel? Colby certainly has bonded with us, more so Mike than myself. He loves his Daddy. When Mike is around, Colby prefers to sit with him and play with him. Colby has even started to ask Mike to put him to bed. I have lost my nighttime snuggles and in a way, I guess I am feeling jealous. I hate that! I don't want to be jealous. I don't want to feel sad. I am thrilled that Mike and Colby get along so well. That is what we are striving for, right? So why is it that the bond between Colby and I isn't quite so strong yet, but yet I am the one he spends most of his time with?

Last year, I was teaching elementary school. Now I stay at home to watch Colby. I love being with him but I miss having a job. I'm not sure I want to teach anymore but I do miss working. Wierd huh? I think I miss the adult interaction more so than the work per se.

I have had 34 years of being a daughter, about 10 years of being a teacher, and 3 years of being a wife. I guess with having only 3 months of being a mom it is ok to have these strange feelings. I KNOW I love Colby, I KNOW he has connected with me, and I KNOW that with time our relationship will grow stronger. But right now, it is hard. Right now, I get frustrated. Right now, I feel more like Coby's caretaker than his mom. Please tell me this is ok and it will change. Please give me some helpful hints. Please share your own emotional journey with me.

Ok, a quick disclaimer. I also know that both moms and many family members read this blog. I always share with Mike what I write, but not always right away. Mike and I have talked a lot about my feelings right now but I don't want others to bug him about it. These are my thoughts, not his. Please direct comments, thoughts, helpful ideas my way. Thanks!