Ok. I have had a moment to think about things here and now I can put them into words. You will all be happy to know that it truly had nothing to do with Colby. Just my mess. So, here goes:
Some of you might now that I was an elementary teacher for 8 years. I worked hard to complete my degree and looked for that job for 2 years before landing a part-time job teaching Kindergarten. After two years, I moved up to teach second grade. The last 4 years that I taught I bounced back and forth between second and third grade due to budget cuts. We had new administration come in during my last year of teaching in 2007-2008, both a new principal and a new superintendent. Things being as they were, quite a long story there, I left that job. I can't say I wanted to, but I did. Not much of a choice truly. So while Mike and I were going through our adoption, even before we met Colby, I lost my teaching job.
That year was quite difficult for me in many ways. The stress of the adoption and the nonsense at school really started me questioning if I was doing the right thing. I had always wanted to be a teacher. I love helping kids learn new things and helping them to succeed, especially those kids that are really struggling. So, while we waited to travel to get Colby I took a job as a school photographer. That was new and challenging and fun. Not much money in that though. Now that we have Colby, I am a stay at home mom. I love it but I do miss going to work and seeing adults, enjoying adult interaction. Financially we are ok. Paying for health benefits is, however, very difficult. Mike works for his dad and will eventually take over the remodeling business, hence he can't get health benefits. My teaching job was great because it gave us very good benefits. Now we are paying through the nose for very little and still we get bills for Colby's doctor appointments. Ugh! So, with that I decided to try to find a new teaching job.
I was, and still am, uncertain if I want to go back to teaching. But, I spent this summer sending resumes, working with an agency that helps teachers find jobs, and going on interviews. I must have gone on about 8-10 interviews. I lsot count. However, in the end, I found no job. Schools started this week or some start next week. Last week was a whirlwind with a couple last minute interviews, one for a long-term sub job, but still nothing. I just don't know why. Perhaps they see that I am tentative about going back, perhaps they see that year off and wonder what really happened, perhaps I just mess up on the interviews. I tend to think it is the last one. I stink at interviews. I am great at writing my feelings and thoughts but stink at talking to people about myself and "tooting my own horn" so to speak. Perhaps, this is someone's way of telling me that I don't belong in the education field anymore. But then that leads me to think, "Then what should I be doing?". Many people would die to be at home with their children. Believe me, I am thrilled that I can be and that we are doing ok without my additional income. Not great, ok. I am thrilled that I have these moments with Colby together and that we can go to the park, and spend time with friends, and just enjoying being Mommy and Colby. What a blessing. However, I have two college degrees that I worked hard for, I enjoy working and the feeling of accomplishment that I get from it, and I don't much like relying on others, even if it is my husband. I do know that raising our son and taking care of the house is a HUGE accomplishment but maybe I need more. I just don't know.
What's next? Where do I go now? Should I just be at home and enjoy Colby? If I shouldn't teach anymore, then what should I do? Is it ok to jsut be Mommy? These are the questions that I have been struggling with, and to date, I have no real answers. However, I have decided that for now, it is ok to be home. We need to sort out the health benefits mess but we will be ok. I'll have time to enjoy my son and even get the house in order. I'll even have time, perhaps, to get his Lifebook together, photos sorted and put on CDs, and other fun activities. Other ideas, maybe I'll try to get into tutoring somehow. We'll see what happens.
So, that's what's been happening. In the mean time, Colby and I had a wonderful summer. We went on many day trips to enjoy the warm weather, once it came. And Colby is really becoming a little fish. I can't wait to get him into some swimming lessons. I can't believe how much he is growing, learning, and exploring everything around him. He truly is my blessing!