God's Timing (taken from a good friend's previous post title)

I have been thinking about this next post for some time now, but I still am not sure where to start. No, there haven't been any big changes to our family. And no, I don't think there will be for awhile..... I guess that's where to start.

Colby has been home almost 3 years. 3 of the most amazing years of my life. I still am often amazed that I have been entrusted with this little guy to be his mom and to guide him through life. It is an awe-inspring thought at times and I often wonder how I will be able to do it. MY biggest thought has always been, Can I be as amazing of a mom to Colby as my mom was to me? And at this moment, I can honestly say that I think I am doing a pretty good job. We have our moments and we certainly aren't perfect but I can see just how much Colby has grown both physically and emotionally and just what a great kid he is. I can already see the makings of a true ladies' man. Watch out world! So for today, I guess I will give myself a pat on the back. I am proud of how far we all, Mike, Colby, and myself have come since that Tuesday, Feb 17, 2009 when we first stepped out of that baby home carrying Colby, forever as a family.

But, now what? I feel the need to give more, do more. I don't know. I know that in my heart I do not want Colby to be an only child. I want him to experience the love and support of a brother, sister, a larger family. I know I want, and have always wanted, a daughter of my own. My mother has always been my best friend and I want to experience that bond with my own daughter. But that's  MY plan. And once again we hit many obstacles. Things just shouldn't be this hard. Why are they so hard and seem so far out of reach???

I have been thinking, ok obsessing about this for a few weeks now. And then this Sunday, in church the sermon was titled, Decisive Manuevers. It was about the story of Jonah and the Big Fish and how Jonah was trying to get away from God's plan and make his own. Boy did that hit home. I have tried to hard my whole life to make things fit into "My Plan" and I have often hit many obstacles and even large barriers. I WANT it to be my time, I even think I NEED it to be our time to move into a new house in order to expand our family. But what if it isn't God's time? What if there is a different plan? I don't know if I can sit by and let it be God's plan. I almost feel as if time is running out. God better hurry up and make it OUR time. But as the saying that Reverand Gordon used during his sermon, "If you want to see God laugh, tell him your plans." I don't mind God laughing with me but can he work with me a little too???

Guess It Can Wait

Ok. I give in. I agree with all the comments I recieved and I appreciate them more than you'll ever know. Everyone had the same line of thought. Let the Lord decide. So I will, or at least I will try.

I am not sure why I am drawn to this particular little girl. What drew me in, I'll probably never know. I will keep track of her and hope and pray that she finds a forever family. I guess that is all I can do. No, I am not giving up on adopting more. Believe me, we will. But with a small house, wanting a girl and definitely more than one more child, and having not enough bedrooms, I guess I will have to wait. Our house is small, it is not the house we want forever. Mike wants a house with more land and room for a workshop for his business. I want at least 3 bedrooms and a spare room for crafting, office, etc. I also want out of the city we live in. It is great for now with city preschool and the PAL program that offers great sport activities for Colby. But in the long run, I would like a better neighborhood. However, with this markey, there is no way we can sell our house and hope to get a mortgage on something new. So, we wait. We wait, and we wait.

It seems that I have always pushed my will on my life, trying to force things to happen. I didn't get my first teaching job right away and then only a part-time job. I didn't find my sweetheart right away, we married when I was 30 (ok, 31 the next month). I didn't have children when everyone else did, then I had to travel around the world to winter in Siberia. Nothing has come easy, although it hasn't been tragic or awful either, just..... hard. Now, I feel like I am pushing again. I don't want to push. I want it to be right for me, and for Mike, and especially for Colby. Now may be the right time for me, but I'm not sure it's right for all of us. So, I will stop and wait. I will leave it to God as so many wonderful people have mentioned and see what happens. Maybe I'll wait just a little while, or maybe another year or so. I just hope it won't be too long. But I give in. I hand over control (something I hate to do) to God, life in general, whoever it may be. We'll see what happens.