We went to Yekaterinburg

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

My Birthday....and Some Thoughts

Tomorrow is my birthday. It seems like we have had so much to celebrate since Colby came home. Easter, his birthday, family birthdays, Mother's Day, and now my birthday. I'm not sure what we will do tomorrow. I might bring Colby to the park if it is nice out in the morning. Mike has something planned for dinner. Mike's Mom's family will be in town and they want to see Colby so I have to bring him to his parents' house around 4 I think. Other than that, hopefully just a quiet day.

Colby has now been home almost 3 months. I am thrilled to finally have him home. He is thriving and becoming such a big boy. Quite independent, happy, and so outgoing. He truly is a joy to be around. I love seeing him learn new things everyday. He now loves to sit and read books, he wants to inspect everything and have us tell him what things are. He tries to repeat everything we say and do (we really need to watch what we say and do). And he loves to play outside.

So why am I finding things so difficult at times? Why do I find myself sad and frustrated? Isn't motherhood supposed to be wonderful? We celebrated Mother's Day but yet I don't truly feel like a mother. How should I feel? Colby certainly has bonded with us, more so Mike than myself. He loves his Daddy. When Mike is around, Colby prefers to sit with him and play with him. Colby has even started to ask Mike to put him to bed. I have lost my nighttime snuggles and in a way, I guess I am feeling jealous. I hate that! I don't want to be jealous. I don't want to feel sad. I am thrilled that Mike and Colby get along so well. That is what we are striving for, right? So why is it that the bond between Colby and I isn't quite so strong yet, but yet I am the one he spends most of his time with?

Last year, I was teaching elementary school. Now I stay at home to watch Colby. I love being with him but I miss having a job. I'm not sure I want to teach anymore but I do miss working. Wierd huh? I think I miss the adult interaction more so than the work per se.

I have had 34 years of being a daughter, about 10 years of being a teacher, and 3 years of being a wife. I guess with having only 3 months of being a mom it is ok to have these strange feelings. I KNOW I love Colby, I KNOW he has connected with me, and I KNOW that with time our relationship will grow stronger. But right now, it is hard. Right now, I get frustrated. Right now, I feel more like Coby's caretaker than his mom. Please tell me this is ok and it will change. Please give me some helpful hints. Please share your own emotional journey with me.

Ok, a quick disclaimer. I also know that both moms and many family members read this blog. I always share with Mike what I write, but not always right away. Mike and I have talked a lot about my feelings right now but I don't want others to bug him about it. These are my thoughts, not his. Please direct comments, thoughts, helpful ideas my way. Thanks!


lh said...

Hi Melissa . . . I had the same feelings after bringing Katy home - I didn't really feel like a mom as it pretty much happens overnight! I felt different then the other moms in the play groups almost like I didn't really belong although they were always very welcoming. Katy also bonded with others at first - those who played with her, gave her treats, etc., while I was the one trying to get her to eat healthy things, getting her to bed, etc. They were fun, I wasn't and I felt like she would never learn to love me. But, after about a year, we settled in. Really what helped me was taking her outside of the house and being with her as she had little life experiences. Those experiences all build up. They were everything from going to the Little Gym with her, taking her to the doctors, dropping her off and picking her up at pre-school when that came time just letting her experience life and me always being there. It will come! I didn't have any of those feelings the second time around - I think it's probably pretty common so don't worry - just enjoy and let time do its work!

Nicole Brueck said...

Big Hugs to you! It is so common for a little boy to think his daddy is the moon and the stars at this age. Doesn't mean it doesn't sting. I always told my husband that I spend my days with him, but he gets to come home and be the hero, you know what I mean?
I tried the stay at home thing after working my whole adult life so far. Didn't work. I am part time and I LOVE it. I get some days home with kids and some days at work, yet I am not tied there.
It will get better every day. I promise........

Kim Abraham said...


[[[[Big Hug]]]]]

Everything you mentioned is completely normal. I don't have any great words of wisdom, but just want you to know that we've all been there to some extent - at least I know I have even with my bios. Continue to do things that encourage bonding and attachment. I loved Lexi like crazy the first few months we were home, but also felt a bit like I was her caretaker at times. The other day when she was climbing in my lap to read a book, my heart swelled with motherly love. It was so overwhelming I almost cried. I didn't know it was even possible to love her more than before. You have had a tremendous amount of adjustments in your life. You are doing the right thing by reaching out to others who have been there, done that for support. Maybe you could also find a MOPS group (or something similar) to join so you will get to enjoy a little more adult conversation too.

Boys have a special bond with their mommys. Just give yourself and Colby more time and you'll surely see!

Shane & Marie said...

Like the others said, what you are feeling is completely normal. As I look back, I now realize it took me a lot longer to feel like Bryson's mother than I would have cared to admit at the time. B also attached to my husband much quicker than myself. Now I have to say, he is 100% mommy's boy. All I can tell you is that it does get easier, give it time. If you ever need to vent or talk, email me. I have been there.

Jenny said...

I did not adopt, but the feelings you feel about being a mother and bonding are probably universal. I have some of the same feelings you do. I have two children and work full time. I think the world of mothers who are able to stay home with their children, and do it well. I also feel guilty that I am not at home. Motherhood is not all it is made out to be, but it is wonderful when you step back and look at it...and the babies will be grown before you realize it! Motherhood can be so overwhelming and emotional. Just take a deep breath and know that you are doing the greatest work that you will EVER do! May God bless you! Happy Birthday!

Sharon and Patrick said...

Happy Birthday! Hang in there, I am sure it will get better in time. I also plan on staying home and I am looking forward to it. We will have share stories in the near future. :)

Laura said...

Melissa: I'll have to get back to you on this since I'm only into the motherhood thing for 48 hours and not in any sense of reality (in an apt, foreign country, no structure due to diff. appointment times, etc.).

However, I have have read about many others who say they go through these emotions. I know Jon feels this way when Kristina only wants me, won't let him feed her, or anything else. He tries hard and I receive the affection. At times, I try to step back just so the two of them can start to bond.

Hang in there, Melissa -- and I'll be thinking of you!!


P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I meant to write you sooner but we've got our hands full...and once again, sporadic internet! Hope it was GREAT!!!